I just saw a man beat his wife. It started just like usual with women yelling. But I couldn’t believe it. I still don’t believe it. What remains is the woman crying. When he struck everything went quiet and everyone left.
All I can think about is how I feel. How is living like this going to affect the way I live the rest of my life? Will I care more? I realize how desensitized I have become from living here for over a year now. It’s so unfair because what matters the least is what I feel.
I feel so far when I’m in it but nothing counts when it doesn’t happen to me.
Even when I found out about Ciara’s (my first host family’s newest addition) death, nothing really hit because she wasn’t my baby. Well, in the eyes of my host family, she was technically my god-daughter, but our absence in each others’ lives didn’t make it real. I didn’t feel the burning, stinging pains after having been slapped in the face like that woman did when her husband hit her. I waited and even wanted to feel it, but nothing. I felt ashamed more than anything because I didn’t hold my responsibility of being a good god-mother. What could I have done living on the opposite ends of the country? How am I to respond to, “It’s the will of Allah!” To scream God doesn’t mean for us to die from preventable diseases like malaria!
But who am I to scream when nothing bad has happened directly to me? Bad things happen to everyone, good or bad, so it’s a matter of when for me. So when it happens what if I can’t handle it? But than I remember God knows how much we can handle. His timing is perfect. He doesn’t cause our sufferings, he uses it.
3 comments:
oh my goodness. I didn't know baby Ciara passed away...hang on, Fadima. The evil ways of the world are not part of God's love.
awwwww, so sorry to hear the bad news. i agree with cisa. find strength in Him. we love you and you're always in our prayers.
Ciara, sorry I haven't written in so long, I just started catching up with your blog, scared that I missed your COS date. I thought it would be appropriate to write on this blog, because like most of our Peace Corps service, it is indescribable, and feelings like the one you describe abundant.
In every job one does, it is normal to become "desensitized" from humanity: ER nurses, claims examiners, roach killers, etc...At one point or another everyone questions why they don't feel something, and the truth is that we do feel it, but in order to best do our jobs, we have to suppress it to some degree.
Peace Corps is great because of the turn over it is harder to become fully "desensitized" for even when you are about to leave, a new group comes in and reminds you of how much you have grown and changed. In turn, you also give a helping hand and guiding light to the newbies that struggle with the craziness you have seen.
Currently I am feeling desensitized, I work with kids that are true products from bad parenting, everything horrible we could imagine occurring, one of these kids have experienced it. When most people hear of their circumstances it is our first instinct to hold their hand and try our hardest to make up for what they missed out. Well, putting so much emotion into such a population is draining, and I have to ignore much of it in order to keep my sanity so I can do my job. Of course I feel bad from time to time, and wonder if I am a form of sociopath for not caring...but the fact that I think about it, and the fact that you think about it, shows that indeed you care.
Basically, keep remember these moments, life can be very cruel. Keep your head straight, keep your values in check; people notice. Even if you were not able to stop that beating or little Ciara passing away, your presence there has had a deeper impact that only a few years from now you will understand. I am getting little messages here and there from my time in Peru, though I was not able to stop one person from being beaten, another one was able to walk away from a bad relationship because of the many conversations I had with her about what we as women deserve. Its these little things that people notice, its the reason why you are desensitized, because you know that you are not above God/Allah and are only there to do your best amidst it all.
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